game of thrones, season one to five ineight ish minutes game of thrones season one robert baratheon is king and he and histrophy wife cersei travel up north to see old buddy sean bean, who likes to remindeveryone in a very bluff northern accent "winter is coming"
What Happened On Game Of Thrones Last Night, robert asks sean bean if hewants to be hand of the king. sean bean doesn't want it, but can't refuse. meanwhile, cersei he gets caught shaggingher own brother, jamie, by sean beans second youngest son, who get shoved out of a window
crippling, but not killing him. sean bean'ssad family, joins roberts messed up family and they all head down south toking's landing. apart from sean beans bastard son john snow. he joins thenight's watch at the wall, a massive structure, used to keep the savages inthe north far away from the slightly less savage people in the regular north. tyrion, the dwarf brother of jamie and cersei, visits the wall, leaves, isaccused of trying to murder sean beans crippled son and sentenced to a trial atthe eryie by sean beans sister-in-law who is a few sandwiches short of a picnic. he chooses trial by combat and a mercenary
called bronn fights on his behalf forcash. he wins, and tyrion goes free because " a lannister always pays his debts" meanwhile, in a much warmer placeacross the narrow, sea daenerys targaryen, who is the daughter of the previous king,gets married off to dothraki horse lord, khal drogo. she gets pregnant, eats a heart and is given three dragon eggs as a wedding gift. her brother is a dick aboutthe whole thing. so khal drogo pours a load of molten gold ontohis head and kills him. later on drogo gets mortally wounded, daenerys tries to save him with blood magic, but instead of resurrecting a hubby, she hatches thedragon eggs and gets three scaly pets for her troubles.
back in kings landing, seanbean discovers that cersei has shagging her brother jamie for quite sometime and sadistic heir to the throne joffrey, along with less sadistic heir tommen,are not roberts children after all. this puts him in a pickle because his eldestdaughter sansa is betrothed to marry the sadistic jerk, joffrey. robert getskilled by a pig, whereupon sean bean tell cersei that he knows her sadisticjerk of a son isn't the true heir. cersei bribes the city guards,they put sean bean on trial. sadistic jerk joffrey (now king) orders his death. sean bean dies, because that's the law that sean beandies in everything in which he appears
(apart from sharpe) game of thrones season 2 sean bean's eldest sonrobb is upset about dad's death so declares war with the lannisters. robertsbrother renly thinks he should be king, so declares war on the lannisters.roberts other brother stannis thinks he should be king so declares war on renly, the lannisters, robbstark, religion, mc hammer and christmas stannis' ginger bit on the side,melisandre, gives birth to a wisp of evil smoke, who kills renly, but noneof that really matters because when stannis attacks kings landing laterin the series,
tyrion burns all his boats with magicfire and saves the city. in the warmer place, daenerys crosses a desert and ends up in qarth, where the city poshos and richard o'brien impersonators try tosteal her dragons. it doesn't end well and she leaves. beyond the wall, jon snowpretends to betray the night's watch and start shagging a girl called ygritte, whoconstantly points out, in a sexy northern accent that "you know nothing, jon snow" it's because the wild folk in the north want to all live in the south because they're terrified of the icy zombie creatures, called white walkers who appear at the end of the season to terrorize a fat boy called sam in kings landing, cersei finds a new wife for jerkking joffrey in marjorie, whose grandma
is diana rigg. sean bean's youngest daughterayra has escaped the city with one of roberts illegitimate kids and sansa is held ahostage. meanwhile sean beans son, robb, has captured cersei's lover/brother combo,jamie, in battle but his own mum frees the kingslayer in exchange for herdaughters and sends him posing man lady brienne to guard him. oh mum! "tell me this isn't true" finally, former ward of sean bean, theon greyjoy, who was a fully working penis at this point destroys sean bean's house and pretendsto kill his two sons, one of whom was crippled by jaime lannister. rememberthat?
and is now carried around by simpleton who can only say the word hodor. ha! hodor. game of thrones, season three robb stark wins a load of battles but because he disseswalder frey by not marrying his daughter, he, his mother, his hot new wife, hisunborn child and most of his men, are killed at the red wedding. it's pretty shocking.this is doubly heartbreaking because arya stark and her unlikely travelingcompanion, the hound, who has a dim view on people who name their sword, literallyminutes away from being reunited with
"lots of people name their swords" "lots of cunts" are literally minutes away from being reunited with them. staying with weddings, back inking's landing, tyrion is forced to marry sansa, who was not keen. cersei is toldto marry loras tyrell, who is not so secretly gay and conniving politicalwrangler, littlefinger, decides to marry sean bean sister-in-law, who is insane. in the hotter place, daenerys buys an army of eunuchs, by tricking their master and thenusing a dragon to roast him alive.
she then commands these "unsullied", to kill all theslave owners in the city. she joins forces with a band of mercenaries calledthe second son's, whose leader fancies her and starts to rule mereen with her longtimefriend, jorah mormont. who fancies her and retired knight, ser barristan selmy, whoprobably fancies her but he's old enough to be a dad. elsewhere jaime lannisterloses a hand, theon greyjoy loses a penis, but gains a master in the formof roose bolton's bonkers bastard, ramsay snow and gets a new name, reek. for histroubles ramsay gets to become a proper bolton and helps dad take over the north. a little further north still, jon snow climb the wall with some wildlings, but whenhe's asked to prove his loyalty to them
by killing a man he runs away, and ygritteshoots him with a few arrows, but definitely doesn't kill him on purpose because shestill loves him. game of thrones season four the season kicks off with jerk king joffrey getting married to marjorie, although he's poisoned at hisown wedding and because sansa flees king's landing with littlefinger, suspicionfalls too her unwilling husband tyrion. there's a trial and tyrion chooses his fate tobe decided by combat, again. it just so happens that sex pest prince oberyn ofdorne is in town looking for revenge for the murder of his sister. he agrees tofight on tyrion's behalf because his
opponent is gregor clegane, the manwho killed his sibling. the fight doesn't end well for either of them, but jamie,now returned to king's landing frees tyrion anyway. on his way out tyrion strangleshis former lover shae because she's been shagging his father who he murders witha crossbow while he sat on the khasi. over in the warm place, daenerys isstruggling to rule slavers bay cos her dragon's keep barbecuing people, whichtends to upset the locals and jorah, her best mate, turns out to be a spy sentfrom king's landing to keep an eye on her. so she banishes him and locks her dragons in a cave. in the north, littlefinger smuggles sansa to the eyre, where he marries seanbean sister-in-law to become lord of the vale.
he then murders sean beans sister-in-law after trying it on with sansa finally, arya and the hound decide to part waysafter brienne shows up and has a massive fight with clegane junior, and leaves him for dead meanwhile, the final stark. well... i say final rickon doesn't really count, bran, continues hisjourney of much tedium to the far north where you find a magic tree and climbsinside it with his equally tedious traveling companions meera and jojen.finally, there's a massive battle as the army of wildlings try to take the wall butultimately fail in an epic fight that sees jon and ygritte reunited before she's killed by a child and he realizes,
finally, that he genuinely loves her. after the battle jon walks out assassinate the leader of the wildlings, mance rayder, butbefore he gets the chance stannis baratheon turns up with an armyhe bought by taking a loan out from the bank game of thrones season five tiny product of incest, tommen, is now king and lovely marjorie's due to marry him, howeverthere's a group of religious nut bars in king's landing and they imprison cerseifor incest, loras tyrell for bumming and marjorie for lying about loras and beingtoo pretty cersei eventually goes free but has towalk back to the red keep in the nude
but when she arrives is greeted by zombiegregor clegane, so that's nice. meanwhile, brother jamie travels to dornewith bronn to rescue his daughter marcella but despite agreeing herrelease, she is killed by the former lover of sex pest prince oberyn.are you keeping up? in the hot place, having smuggled out of king's landing,tyrion and spymaster varys hook up with daenerys to join her cause. she's struggling witha rebellion of slave masters which claims the life of ser barristan. soeventually she accepts their help ser jorah wants to be daenerys' friendagain, so he becomes a gladiator, like russel crowe,
fights in a tournament to winher trust and then foils an assassination attempt on her life. whenshit gets really serious at the tournament one of daenerys' dragonsflies in to rescue her and she then rides him to relative safety, miles away in themiddle of a rampaging dothraki horde. in the north, littlefinger gives sansa toramsay bolton who takes her as a bride then takes her against her will on thewedding night. theon helps her escape and the two jump off the wall of the dreadfort together. in other stark news, arya heads to bravos to join the faceless men,who are a bunch of assassins. she trains well, but breaks some rules by killing oldenemy, meryn trant and is blinded for
her troubles. stannis tries to marchsouth to reclaim his kingdom but loses most of his army in a blizzard and despiteburning his daughter alive for good luck, is eventually defeated and murdered by brienne who finds him wounded in the woods in the far north jon snow calls a trucewith the wild things and agrees to let them live on the posh side of the warbut most of them are attacked and killed a village called hardhome by the whitewalkers. the night's watch aren't too keen on jon's love for the wild folkand they stab him to death at the end of the season. or do they? and that's it for game of thrones seasonone to five. sorry if you're a fan of the
onion, knight grand maester pycelle, hot pie, lord commander mormont, maester aemon, the direwolves or greyworm, we didn't get around to mentioning anyof their storylines but they're all pretty disposable. game of thrones season sixstarts on april 24th for more coverage of game of thrones keep logged in togamesradar.com and check out more videos on this youtube channel subtitles by ilostmypie
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